THE SSA site has an employer link for business clients - this is an excellent entry point for employers who ned information about filing W-2 reports etc etc....
I found that the SSA and IRS have really tried hard to change the appearance as a hrad line agency to a professional organization that serves the citizens of the United States of America.....
Ever wonder why they call it a Form 1040? For every $50 you earn, you get $10, they get $40.
What is the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don't understand.
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? How much money do you have?
What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.
What is an auditor? Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say? "Darling, tell me about your work."
When the accountant laughs loud? When some one asks for a raise.
What did the accountant say when he got a blank check? My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.
What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form? The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor. I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household.
Why the accountant started smoking? So he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax. Called it loss by fire. So his medical expenses went above the 71/2% threshold.
How does an accountant stay out of debt? He learns to act his wage.
Did you hear about the constipated Accountant? He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.
Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant? The accountant is $1 million shy and hence is retiring.
There are just three types of accountants: those who can count and those who can't.
The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the CPA gets your money.
Definitions of Accounting Definition of an Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
If an accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, then surely an accountant is someone who costs everything and is worth nothing!
Definition of an Auditor - One who arrives after the battle is lost and bayonets the wounded.
Definition of an Attorney - One who arrives after the auditor and strips the bodies.
Definition of an Actuary - An accountant without a sense of humor.
Definition of an Economist - Someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.
Newton's Law of Accounting
1. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant. 2. Both of them are wrong.
10. In several places on your tax forms, he’s written, "Give or take a million dollars." 9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures. 8. You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote. 7. Insists that there is no such number as four. 6. He laughed at Bob Dole background check (I am sorry - that’s a sign he is hypnotized). 5. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents. 4. Advises to save you postage by filing your taxes telepathically. 3. Instead of a CPA license, he’s got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek. 2. Demands that you call "Una-countant." 1. He’s got a 1040 form tattooed on his ..........
10. You hear him on the phone saying, "Have I ever let you down, Leona?" 9. Instead of IRS, sends your completed tax return to UPS 8. His "short form" looks suspiciously like a cocktail napkin 7. He lets you list your imaginary friend as dependent 6. Lists every time you laughed at Letterman as "charitable donation" 5. Used to be some kind of financial big-shot in Orange County 4. Announced he donated all your assets to O.J.'s defense fund 3. On the 1040, he lists your occupation as "sucker" 2. At least five times, he says "here's a little trick I taught Darryl Strawberry." 1. He makes you wear a hospital gown
10."You've got a lovely pair of W-2's." 9."Please, baby, let me withhold you." 8."Technically, having sex with me is a charitable gift." 7."In my office, 'I.R.S.' stands for 'I'm really sexy.' " 6."If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?" 5."You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income...now let's do it." 4."Let's fill out a 1040 -- you're a 10, and I'm 40." 3."You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her." 2."Lady, you make my pants file for an extension." 1."Nice assets."
10. Do 'em naked. 9. Instead of a restaurant receipt, send them leftovers from the meal in question. 8. Frequent use of the word "eleventeen." 7. Claim a deduction, do a shot! 6. In "For Office Use Only" area write "Approved. Send refund immediately." 5. Apply a long-term capital gain rate of 20% to a mutual fund, do a shot! 4. Sneeze on forms. 3. Instead of using dated definition of income, use the proposed revised definition under section 643(B) in which conforming amendments are made to regulations affecting ordinary trusts, pooled income funds, charitable remainder trusts, trusts that qualify for the gift and estate tax marital deduction, and trusts that are exempt from generation-skipping transfer taxes -- that always puts a smile on my face. 2. Deduct $100 in medical expenses for all the paper cuts you suffered because tax form is 75 damn pages long! 1. Audit yourself, if you know what I mean.
Top 10 Signs you work in accounting
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their processes. 9. You get all excited it's Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work. 8. You refer to the tomatoes in your garden as deliverables. 7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for living. 6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 5. You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement. 4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors. 3. Ask your friends to "think out of box" when making Friday night plans. 2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
You refer to your child as Deduction 214 You dedut Ex-lax as "moving expenses" You have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store At the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation Getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long Your idea of thrashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out hte guest comment card You are doing it now becuse you checked the file and found that you did it last year You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "========"
A man piloting a hot air balloon discovers that he has wandered off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man on the ground. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, about thirty feet above this field."
"You must be an accountant," says the balloonist.
"Yes I am" replies the man. "And how did you know that"
"Well" says the balloonist, "what you tell me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"Well, yes I am" replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well", says the accountant, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Dinosaur
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."
Cinderella
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
Robbers
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
Accounting Students
Two accounting students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike on the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Counting Sheep
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
Marry An Accountant
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
A Joke
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."
Interview
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof." The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101." The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable." The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question. The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4." The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?" The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
Lemon Squeezer
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS." November 19, 2006
